On Being, Beginning, Becoming

.”The test is positive. You are pregnant!”

“Oh my God! How amazing! Can I take the baby home today?”

*….* 

Can you imagine being so enthusiastic at the stage of realizing conception that you mistake it for birth?

This may sound extreme, but I would challenge you to consider that it isn’t a far stretch for many of us. In fact we do it all the time. A new idea, a new person, a new opportunity presents itself  in our life and suddenly, being filled with the joy and excitement of the idea of the fruit that this new thing will bear , we start to not only believe but to behave like it is already there. Your new business idea is foolproof! This is love at first sight! This is the moment that everything changes!

I do not deny that life can change in a moment, nor that an idea, in rare cases, can become an actionable reality in a near instant. But its important to be honest with ourselves that this is NOT the norm.  The usual process is much slower, happening in stages over time.  It is more brutal, it is more uncomfortable, more beautiful, and it is full of ups and down. It is laborious. And it is important.

When I first conceived of the idea of launching an online community for healers and love warriors, for those who are fighting in the trenches, who are challenging not only themselves but the oppressive systems and powers of their communities around the globe, I saw so much beauty. So much potential. I saw the soft place to land and a space for gathering our collective strength, not to achieve more, but to love ourselves and others better. I thought– what is stopping me from creating it?

And so I did. I gathered a wonderful group of women who were supportive of this vision, I bought my URL and designed and launched a site. I began to gather a community on Facebook and a community in my living room every Thursday. And after a couple months, it all stalled out.

See, I had skipped too many steps. I had a big vision, and I still believe in it (even if the result is small– I have a deep and abiding belief in the power of *small things*).  But I had not done the work to bring myself or the community to a place that was ready to be launched into the world.

My natural inclination is to say sorry. Sorry that I didn’t follow through. Sorry for being flaky. Sorry that I failed.

But the truth is, I am not flaky. The truth is that I do (for the most part!) follow through on the things I start. And the truth is not that I failed. The ‘real story’ is simply that I got so excited by something worthy and beautiful that I got too far ahead of myself.  I went from conception to birth, and the resulting birth was premature.

But instead of abandoning what I had birthed and letting it die, I have been loving and nurturing it as I should have done from the beginning. I took her back with me to the gestation period, and I committed myself to doing the hard work she demanded. I have been growing, feeding, and nesting, carving out space in  my own life, in my own heart in order to give this idea and this community the space she deserves.  I have felt the kicks that stirred my heart and made it more tender.  I have been wrestling outside pressures and distractions, and it made me stronger. I have endured, and it has made me more patient and gracious. I have gone through a painful process of labor. And now I am hearing the baby’s first cry.

So I’m not sorry. Instead I am grateful that things happen when they are meant to happen. Grateful that I am learning, and grateful for the work of beginning again. Grateful to know the beauty of moving slowly and letting that be okay.

The hard part is far from over. But the time has arrived that our small community comes together to raise up this space, with and for one another. To grow and to learn and to thrive and to be.

This community is in the midst of the work of becoming. And becoming starts with the work of being.

We tenderly invite you to come and be with us. And may we all grow together.

 

With all my heart,

 

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3 thoughts on “On Being, Beginning, Becoming

  1. Suzanne says:

    So great! I am such a jump aheader! And a comparer! “That girl over there started something and her something is already so much bigger than my something.” That kind of thing. But God is so gracious and good and His plans for us are also gracious and good, bless Him. This is such a sweet and challenging reminder to keep working, to keep that hand to the plow, to keep WRITING until it’s an actual book, to keep teaching until they know English, and to keep having awkward conversations until they become good and real.

    Something I’ve struggled with as a young millennial is the expectation of immediate gratification, which is I think the root of all this. We think we deserve the fruit because we had the idea and got started (or just had the idea). But good things take time. Like babies and blogs and safe spaces and relationships and books. Thanks for taking the time and putting in the work, sweet friend. I’m so glad to be here. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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